Tuesday, November 29, 2005


At this very moment there is an ungodly racket coming from the floor above my apartment, where I can only assume there are very sloppy redecorators working on the entire room. Not only do things move around, but they pound continually onto the floor so that it seem like the ceiling is going to come toppling down on top of me. I am seriously afraid for my life. If I were working maintenance or recarpeting or moving things around, how would I go about dealing with things both heavy and loud? um... let me think. Maybe by being careful? I cannot presume to know all that there is to know in the world, but one thing I am certain of at the moment, and that is that this infernal pounding is NOT NECESSARY! And it isn't like a pounding like they're hammering something in. Oh, well, that's definitely a hammer, but for the rest, it's more like one person is trying to move a whole bunch of couches and can only let them drop and tumble all over the place instead of setting them down. Or he has to drag them from one end of the room to the other, causing disgusting grating noises or repetetive bouncing noises, which have no real rhythm (like pounding a hammer) but smack on the floor (my ceiling) with an irregularity which could drive any orderly man crazy. If there's one thing I hate, it is irregular pounding. Drilling is cool. Hammering, I can handle. The sounds of things getting done... I'm at peace. The sounds of chaos and ill-conceived remodel plans underway, those I cannot stomach. I should leave, but... well... I don't want to. And I'm stubborn.

Friday, November 25, 2005

I wonder

Sometimes I wonder if it is possible that we ruin the good things that are happening to us, simply by reacting to them inappropriately. And I'm not thinking about anything direct. I'm thinking more like chance things that seem to just go right, and then we get to thinking about them in a different way than we aught, and then they stop happening the way they have been. I'm not talking about poker this time, but again it would be a good example. If I've been winning at poker for a while, and suddenly I start thinking about all the money I could make playing poker, might I start losing then, like as some kind of punishment from God or from the world or what have you? I hate to think of God that way, as if he's always just allowing good things to happen when we're not being selfish or wrong-headed in some way, and then cuts them off the second we get a bad thought in our heads. But part of me wonders if that's really the way it is. If we are content, and I believe we are supposed to find contentment (I might not truly know the way of that one), then we can often enjoy the blessings God gives to us. If we become discontent, then we begin to struggle through life. Part of that merely is a direct outcome of our rooted discontentment. We are discontent, and so we have a hard time with everything else, too. But I wonder if some things happen in life because we are not content, which would not actually happen that way if we were. Like if I was content with what I won or did not win at poker, might I actually win more? That's crappy, isn't it?

My first answer to that question, on impulse, is no, I wouldn't win more just by being content, and I wouldn't stop winning just by being selfish. Life doesn't work that way. Selfish people get rich all the time. But then I think, things happen for a reason, right? You could say no, and I wouldn't have much to say to that, but I have to believe that most things in this life happen for a reason. That's not to say we can't pervert or obstruct the driving purpose behind the events in our lives, but that it's there. If I don't "win the girl" at some point in my life, which has happened to me several times, usually console myself with that fact that there is a good reason that it didn't happen the way I wanted. I guess the real question is, could some of those things that don't happen our way actually be our fault, for not having the right attitude about them.

I suppose I don't really need to have the answer to that question. It doesn't really change the way I'm supposed to act in this world. I still need to learn to be content. I still need to learn to take risks. I still need to be a blessing in this world. But I wonder.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Here's the thing

Okay, here's the thing. I think I was right - at least in a way - about the whole slacking off thing. It seems like the more I really work on my mind and on controling it, the better things become. That just makes sense. If I think better about things, I'll have a better attitude, thus I'll respond better to situations, thus opening my life up to yet more good opportunities. But I"ve been thinking about those times that I've been sad in my ife, melancholy, pseudo-depressed, forlorn. I've been thinking about how much I appreciate those times of growth and how much goodness have come from them. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. But is it right to try and ignore the process of refinement? Maybe it's just impossible, so whether it's right or wrong doesn't even matter. But sometimes it feels like I'm just trying to bypass the depth of human experience. Like if I put a smile on my face and tell myself that I am happy, thinking on all the things I can be happy about, and convincing myself that things are good, I can just avoid things like pain and sorrow. My real hope is to avoid things like anger and bad attitudes, which I do not believe to have any part of who we are supposed to be. But can I just be happy when I should be sad? Shouldn't I be able to mourn? To ache? I always used to ache, it seems like. At one time I think I was more attuned to the suffering of the world and the emptiness around me. But then I had people wondering why I never ever smiled. I want to lift up those who are down. But I know how when I'm down, I'm not really looking for someone who is happy go lucky. I haven't been really down for quite a while, not in the sense I remember being, especially in early high school.

One other thing. I keep using language that never falls into the category of "depressed", but seems like the same thing. Here's the reason why I've never been willing to call myself depressed. It seems to me that "depression" is a system of lies that a person believes, which takes away hope and joy, which of course are inextricably linked. If a person has hope and fully believes that they will get through whatever dark hour they're going through, yet feels that desperate, soul-wrenching ache nonetheless, I will not call it Depression. I've met depressed people. People who believe the lies that they are no good, worthless, and that it would be a better world if they were just dead. Depressed people are what I call "believers". They believe in worthlessness. They believe in hopelessness. They're so used to their lies that they don't even know that they're addicted to them. That's how I see it anyway. There is always hope. I've always had hope, and i have always and will always get through every hard time. For myself, right now my hope is that I will do more than just get through. I won't settle for less than success.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

okay, so here's life again

Okay, so you know I've been into this whole thing about the power of our thoughts and about meditating on positive things and all that, in the hope and expectation that I will continue to recreate the reality around me into a life that is full of blessing and happiness and goodness, right? I've written about that kind of stuff on this very blog, unless it was my imagination. So it has been about three months since I started doing this. I can only say now that this last month was really, really hard. For about the first month and a half it seemed like being crabby and snippy at people might be a thing of the past. And then life begins to settle in again. Things don't go my way, projects take too long, hopes are dashed to pieces, the car breaks down, my breakfast tastes bad. No, I don't eat breakfast - it's just an example, okay? So I'm left wondering. What's the problem? Is it lack of sleep? Is it that I'm not meditating enough? I know that sounds like that whole Christian crap about needing to have "enough faith" for your prayers to be answered. Or needing to pray more or read your bible more or do something more. But it could still be true. The fact is, I sometimes stay up too late, often just wasting time, but sometimes reading a lot or hanging with people, then I get up the next morning and there's just no time to meditate. Sure I go through the motions, repeat a few positive thoughts in my brain on my way out the door. But there is little time spent in connection with the source of all good, renewing my mind by breathing in peace and happiness and breathing out negativity. So yeah, I slacked off. But isn't that just like any other kick I get on in life? I get all fired up to be disciplined, read my bible, say my prayers memorize some such stuff, or write a certain thing every day. And I'm good for like a month, which for some I believe would be no small achievement, but then something goes wrong. I get tired. I make one small error, or series of them. I slack off. I start wasting time again. I get tired guarding my mind, and I watch too much TV or I just sit on the computer and surf the web or write in my blog or some such nonsense. The fact is, I know I can live different if I put my mind to it. Heck, I know what it felt like for that first month and a half. People noticed a glow and a smile that hadn't really been there before. It seems that I should be able to be a blessing in this world, even if I don't get quite enough sleep. I think perhaps I just always need to take an interest in my thoughts and not relax my hold on them. Mind over matter? I'd like to think so. Yet, I wish my matter didn't seem to matter so much. Yes I said that only for the sake of using it as a kind of pun. Yes, I'm aware it's dumb. No, I'm not going to erase it.