okay, so here's life again

Okay, so you know I've been into this whole thing about the power of our thoughts and about meditating on positive things and all that, in the hope and expectation that I will continue to recreate the reality around me into a life that is full of blessing and happiness and goodness, right? I've written about that kind of stuff on this very blog, unless it was my imagination. So it has been about three months since I started doing this. I can only say now that this last month was really, really hard. For about the first month and a half it seemed like being crabby and snippy at people might be a thing of the past. And then life begins to settle in again. Things don't go my way, projects take too long, hopes are dashed to pieces, the car breaks down, my breakfast tastes bad. No, I don't eat breakfast - it's just an example, okay? So I'm left wondering. What's the problem? Is it lack of sleep? Is it that I'm not meditating enough? I know that sounds like that whole Christian crap about needing to have "enough faith" for your prayers to be answered. Or needing to pray more or read your bible more or do something more. But it could still be true. The fact is, I sometimes stay up too late, often just wasting time, but sometimes reading a lot or hanging with people, then I get up the next morning and there's just no time to meditate. Sure I go through the motions, repeat a few positive thoughts in my brain on my way out the door. But there is little time spent in connection with the source of all good, renewing my mind by breathing in peace and happiness and breathing out negativity. So yeah, I slacked off. But isn't that just like any other kick I get on in life? I get all fired up to be disciplined, read my bible, say my prayers memorize some such stuff, or write a certain thing every day. And I'm good for like a month, which for some I believe would be no small achievement, but then something goes wrong. I get tired. I make one small error, or series of them. I slack off. I start wasting time again. I get tired guarding my mind, and I watch too much TV or I just sit on the computer and surf the web or write in my blog or some such nonsense. The fact is, I know I can live different if I put my mind to it. Heck, I know what it felt like for that first month and a half. People noticed a glow and a smile that hadn't really been there before. It seems that I should be able to be a blessing in this world, even if I don't get quite enough sleep. I think perhaps I just always need to take an interest in my thoughts and not relax my hold on them. Mind over matter? I'd like to think so. Yet, I wish my matter didn't seem to matter so much. Yes I said that only for the sake of using it as a kind of pun. Yes, I'm aware it's dumb. No, I'm not going to erase it.