Tuesday, October 16, 2007

In eleven days, I am getting married. When I take a step back to observe myself and all that is going on in my life, it just seems so strange. For years I ached for the kind of relationship I have with Cassie, and now... I'm in such a different place. It's a great feeling, but I can hardly believe that it's happening. I mean, when I'm going about my days, preparing for the wedding, going to work and talking about the upcoming event, moving into our new apartment, and going to target with my fiance (we seem to go there about two or three times a week, haha), it's like it's always been this way and always will be, but then I think back and remember the many states I have been in, states of longing and pain, or states of joy and freedom, and I wonder at the strange and sudden twists and turns in life. I think God every day for my life and for Cassie, and I hope she knows how much I appreciate her.

I moved into our new apartment this weekend. Cassie will be moving her stuff in next weekend, and then I still have a bunch of stuff to bring from Minneapolis. But for now we've got the essentials: Internet, a BED, Toilet Paper, you know - the stuff you can't live without (hah). Anyway, I love it. I love getting up in the morning and having the place to myself, and walking around in my bedclothes or less. I love having Cassie over, having a place for just the two of us.

I want to write some thoughts, deep thoughts, but I'm not sure if I have any, and I have to go get ready for work. So I'll end here, and just remember to Thank God for every good thing.

Monday, October 01, 2007

off day

I was somewhat out of sorts today, and I don't know why? Do you ever have those days? You seem to do all you can to stay positive, to let frustrations roll right of your back and expect the best, but you just can't shake the feeling of unease? I don't know what causes it, but there's a kind of restlessness in me right now. I would have thought that it's my lack of freetime - I was busy with Cassie all weekend taking care of four rambunctious children (ages 6,7,8, and 10, I believe). It was enough to convince me I definitely don't want that many, and I'd definitely still like to wait. But It was fun, and it shouldn't have put me out of sorts. I didn't feel this way until I walked into work this morning. And now I've had free time all evening, and I don't feel refreshed.

On the upside, the outside air felt amazing tonight. Something or other drew me outside just about 10 minutes ago, and I just stood out there in the cool air, luxuriating in that sublime freshness after the rain, breathing it in and out and praying. I took some time to consider what it was I truly wanted in life. Frankly, that feeling, the feel of the cool fresh air filling your mouth and throat and lungs, that's up there on my list.

Well, I'm getting married quite soon now. Less than four weeks away. That's unbelievable. I'm really looking forward to it. I move into a new apartment in less than two weeks, too, and I'm looking forward to that, too.

Does it bother anyone else that whenever people pray or talk about spiritual issues, it always seems to be somber? It's like the more passionate sadness you can put into your prayer, the more holy you are. Or the more woeful cynicism you place in your sermons, the more worthy your lesson. There's a place for being somber, a time for it. I'd say, if you feel that way, then pray that way. But if you're feeling good about life and about God, you don't need to suppress that feeling in order to feel his presense. just a little side thought that sometimes bothers me.