Friday, August 26, 2005

journal notes

I have this journal now, an actual one to write in, like with my hands, a pen, and everything. Anyway, sometimes it's easier for me to be thoughtful when there isn't a computer screen in front of me. But I liked some of what I wrote, so I might from time to time copy some of my thoughts onto this page, on the offchance that a few people out there are still paying attention. Some of this will surely stem from some new ideas about reality colliding with my faith and mixing together in a sort of "new kind of christian" way, or, as the Switchfoot song says, "a new way to be human". Here's the first one.

When does a 'brave fae' become courage?

When someone puts on a brave face, it is, in part, a resignation, acknowledging what, in one's perception, simply is.

But courage? Courage acknowledges the possibilities. Courage believes! It believes in the power of good. It believes in the future. Courage is steadfast in the face of failure. Defiant in the face of challenges. Calm and collected. Cheerful and undying.

So when does one become the other? How can a person cross over to true courage? What does it take? A change of thoughts? When do thoughts become beliefs? Can one make it happen? Wrestle, grasp, and force reality to your will? Or must one embrace the possibilities, ride the wave of eventualities, skip from moment to moment, 'til the current carries one to the eventuality of truth, belief, faith, courage.

Questions continue to pour in my head, wondering how best to proceed with my life, wondering how to get it right. Not just living a moral existence, but a fulfilled one, a good and peace-filled life, being salt and light in the world and a blessing to neighbors and friends and enemies and all. Questions. ...

Wednesday, August 24, 2005


It's really weird how whenever I get excited about a thing, whatever it is I get excited about (in anticipation) turns out not to work as I wished it would. Be it girls, poker, jobs, opportunities, gigs, or anything else, the more I attach myself to my anticipations the more often they come crashing down in surprising disappointments. But on the flip side, when I go with the flow, with little thought for the future or for any personal ambitions, things tend to happen nicely. My endeavors seem to work out. This makes little to no sense to me. If I care about something, it seems I should be a little more likely to succeed in it, but my caring seems to only ruin it. Perhaps it only makes the disappointment less, so I don't even remember the failures that didn't hit me so hard. But it seems like what I was describing before. Especially when things are mainly concerning luck. When I'm not looking for it, or when I stop and realize it's not all that important, something good comes along. I think that's just stupid. Why should good things avoid my grasp when I want them and then come along easily when I don't care. Why should we have to be surprised? "A desire fulfilled is like apples of gold in portraits of silver." Isn't that the way it should be? Isn't that how reality should work? just stupid.

Monday, August 08, 2005

back to work

I'm reevaluating a previous statement I made some time ago about how reading helps spark my creative energy and inspires me to write more. Having been fully engrossed in a fantasy series over the past two months, I've found that this is actually not quite true. It's happened a couple of times in the past two weeks, that I've been inspired to write after reading a chapter or two, but those have been possibly the only times I've taken time on my book. For the rest, it just takes discipline. I remember how in High School and Junior High, I thought of myself as a very disciplined person. I got up every morning and spent time with the Bible and in prayer and writing a kind of devotional journal. I did that for about 8 years straight, until some time in college, my love of discipline turned into disregard. And strangely, I dont' even mourn it that much. Well, I shoudl rather say, I don't mourn the discipline that I had placed on myself, but I do miss having discipline about something, anything, if I consider it important. I was thinking the other night about how if I'm ever going to get anywhere in life and do the things that I want to do, that I was meant to do, I'm going to have to "put childish things behind me." I hate using that phrase, because becoming a man and putting childish things behind me was not the point of that passage of the bible - it was just the example, the analogy used for spiritual maturity. But still, the idea still applies, in fact more so, since it's used as an example that means its just an obvious and fundamental part of growing up, coming to terms with things like discipline and duty. But a big part of me is still stuck in college, living in the moment, just out to hang out and have a good time. (It's funny that I say that, because I'm sure I was one of the more studious people I knew in College, but whatever). Ah well, I just know I've got to sit myself down and do the work. Avoid the television. Avoid the sofa. Avoid the online poker rooms. Avoid whatever else grasps at my time. There's always something, it seems. And just do what I've got to do. It's strange, though, how bad habits are almost impossible to break, but good habits are always a chore. Well... I think there's something good on TV now, so... oh wait. Um... back to... "work"... ... no really.