Wednesday, August 24, 2005
It's really weird how whenever I get excited about a thing, whatever it is I get excited about (in anticipation) turns out not to work as I wished it would. Be it girls, poker, jobs, opportunities, gigs, or anything else, the more I attach myself to my anticipations the more often they come crashing down in surprising disappointments. But on the flip side, when I go with the flow, with little thought for the future or for any personal ambitions, things tend to happen nicely. My endeavors seem to work out. This makes little to no sense to me. If I care about something, it seems I should be a little more likely to succeed in it, but my caring seems to only ruin it. Perhaps it only makes the disappointment less, so I don't even remember the failures that didn't hit me so hard. But it seems like what I was describing before. Especially when things are mainly concerning luck. When I'm not looking for it, or when I stop and realize it's not all that important, something good comes along. I think that's just stupid. Why should good things avoid my grasp when I want them and then come along easily when I don't care. Why should we have to be surprised? "A desire fulfilled is like apples of gold in portraits of silver." Isn't that the way it should be? Isn't that how reality should work? just stupid.