Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Why I don't write.

I get asked why I haven't written anything in a while, and I guess a significant reason is that, though I have plenty of thoughts, many of them are entirely too personal to be shared with the outside world. I think a lot of my personal difficulties, about trying to become a better person in this world, about trying to get it right, if there even is such a thing. Getting married changes things a little. A lot of what goes on between me and my wife, whether good or bad, is just that: between us. I am proud to say that we work out our differences with a good amount of communication, and we are very happy in our lives together.

Another reason I do not always write, is because I do not want to gripe. When I first started this blog, as you might see if you check the early archives, there were several moments where I wrote about my complaints, sometimes in a funny way, but not really without at least a trace of sincerity. Since that time, as you'll find in some later blogs, I have tried to live with a more positive thought life, with varying degrees of success. So looking at the bright side has been an important part of what I'm trying to do with myself, and that can hardly include blabbing about all my latest angst-ridden endeavors, nor can I go on and on about the discontent I may feel about my current job or what-not. I suppose I could do so, if I spun it as a discussion of my attempts to think positive, but that just seems like a loophole, an excuse to avoid the extra work of actually purging my mind of such things.

Now that I've got that out of the way, let me talk about my job. I'm waiting tables again, or still, or however you want to style it. I've been at Chili's now for a little over a year. My goal is to be done at the end of this year, by doing music full-time. Sometimes I'm plagued with fears that I am just not good enough at the business end of all this: selling myself and making contacts and all that. Other times I'm just frustrated about how long it takes to get things going, and I start wondering if it's my fault, like I shoudl be trying harder or doing something more. I am blessed with incredible assistance already in getting this going, for which I am grateful. But I cannot seem to help but get restless, which makes me irritable, which makes it difficult to maintain a healthy peace of mind and just exacerbates the whole situation.

So I've been trying to think of this as the springtime of my life. On the one hand that means that it's a new and different era, and basically has been since I stepped aboard that plane to Africa. And so I expect to do away with the pattern of winter, a stagnant, barren time, a time for storing up what's truly important and waiting for the newness to come. Now that newness is here, and it's a time for planting, for nourishing, for frolicking, for digging deep furrows in the soil. I should be active, roiling with possibilities and opportunities. At the same time, it often means more waiting. Watching the seeds grow into plants, slowly, and saving the benefits for a brighter future. Then I start to wonder, is this really a helpful analogy? Isn't my life my own to lead? Don't opportunities just come and go, and some people just happen to be there to take them? Doesn't it all just come down to the fact that I need to focus?

So I've worked myself into a very difficult emotional state, and at the moment I can really only ask for your prayers, because for very little reason at all, I am very discouraged.