Friday, November 18, 2005

Here's the thing

Okay, here's the thing. I think I was right - at least in a way - about the whole slacking off thing. It seems like the more I really work on my mind and on controling it, the better things become. That just makes sense. If I think better about things, I'll have a better attitude, thus I'll respond better to situations, thus opening my life up to yet more good opportunities. But I"ve been thinking about those times that I've been sad in my ife, melancholy, pseudo-depressed, forlorn. I've been thinking about how much I appreciate those times of growth and how much goodness have come from them. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. But is it right to try and ignore the process of refinement? Maybe it's just impossible, so whether it's right or wrong doesn't even matter. But sometimes it feels like I'm just trying to bypass the depth of human experience. Like if I put a smile on my face and tell myself that I am happy, thinking on all the things I can be happy about, and convincing myself that things are good, I can just avoid things like pain and sorrow. My real hope is to avoid things like anger and bad attitudes, which I do not believe to have any part of who we are supposed to be. But can I just be happy when I should be sad? Shouldn't I be able to mourn? To ache? I always used to ache, it seems like. At one time I think I was more attuned to the suffering of the world and the emptiness around me. But then I had people wondering why I never ever smiled. I want to lift up those who are down. But I know how when I'm down, I'm not really looking for someone who is happy go lucky. I haven't been really down for quite a while, not in the sense I remember being, especially in early high school.

One other thing. I keep using language that never falls into the category of "depressed", but seems like the same thing. Here's the reason why I've never been willing to call myself depressed. It seems to me that "depression" is a system of lies that a person believes, which takes away hope and joy, which of course are inextricably linked. If a person has hope and fully believes that they will get through whatever dark hour they're going through, yet feels that desperate, soul-wrenching ache nonetheless, I will not call it Depression. I've met depressed people. People who believe the lies that they are no good, worthless, and that it would be a better world if they were just dead. Depressed people are what I call "believers". They believe in worthlessness. They believe in hopelessness. They're so used to their lies that they don't even know that they're addicted to them. That's how I see it anyway. There is always hope. I've always had hope, and i have always and will always get through every hard time. For myself, right now my hope is that I will do more than just get through. I won't settle for less than success.

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