I am sometimes amazed at the power of thoughts. Whether they be true or false, good or bad, thoughts that a person think truly affect how they feel, what they do, and ultimately, who they are. I've often wondered how much all of those factors affect each other. Do my feelings determine what I'm thinking or do my thoughts determine how I feel. A little bit of both sometimes. But there are some times that I've experienced a strain of thought, in which I feel very tense, edgy, and basically just moody, but then my strain of thought leads to one little thought that just changes everything. It's not usually anything profound or amazing, as if I've solved any of the mysteries of the universe. But I have those light moments of clarity. Those few times when I feel the there is a rightness to the way things are and to where I'm going. For a few moments, apparently because of a little thought, usually a positive one, my feelings aren't just a challenge to me, something I need to control.
I don't know, maybe I'm just screwed up. But I've never been one to freely give in to my emotions. I used to cry when I was a kid and I was angry. I was almost incapable of doing violence, and when I wanted to really badly, I'd cry. Otherwise, if I gave in to my anger and lashed out, I'd cry afterwards because of my weakness in giving in to my emotions. I don't know where I learned that. If it was just because of my moral upbringing, or if somewhere along the line someone told me it was wrong to be angry, or if it was just a natural thing. Since I've been serving at a restaurant, it's become harder and harder to control things like anger. But again, there is real power in thoughts. If I take a moment, not just to suppress my feelings, but just to set them aside for a moment while I change the way I think, then in that moment everything can change. It's a crazy thing, and I find it fascinating. I always like to understand how people work, and it always seems to be unfathomable. Some people don't think things through and act on instinct, and they're often called stupid. Others shut off their emotions and relate to people through intellect, and they're often called cold. Are "stupid" people actually unable to use their brains to figure things out, or are they just unpracticed? Are "cold" people really unable to relate to people on an emotional and personal level, or are they just unpracticed? I have a hard time letting go. Other people have a hard time controling themselves. It all just seems so utterly crazy to me. Either that or it's just late and I'm going to get up tomorrow and look at my blog and wonder why I went on forever about this one little meaningless thing.

I find it to be a horrible tragedy that there are so many horrible movies about religious and biblical things. Not only are these terrible flicks a bane to society, but they tarnish the good nature and the powerful meaning that are in the very stories they attempt to portray. I'm seeing one now (I say seeing, not watching, because I'm about to change the channel). I know it's mainly because they're all low budget, but it still bothers me. I didn't know anyone would be silly enough to make a movie with the story of Judah and Tamar, a story that definitely does not get taught in Sunday school. Can't afford good actors, good writers, or good production, then don't make the movie. Not to mention the music. Ugh. Thank goodness for Gibson's the Passion of the Christ. One of the only biblical movies I've ever seen that's any good. I really don't have any more to say. The crudity of this terrible movie leaves me speechless. Speaking of speechless. Why do people always speak in an English accent, as if trying to authenticate a foreign or historical scene, when English wasn't even a language at the time. Does it really make it sound more Jewish to depict an ancient Hebrew with an English accent?? Just ludicrous. I need a cigarette. (I don't even smoke, but this crap makes me want to).

I've been reading books recently about destiny. I've always believed that life must have a purpose. I'm even ready to accept that each person has a specific individual purpose. But I realize that in the case of an individual purpose, I have no clue as to what mine might be. I have an idea of what people in general are supposed to do here on earth, though I am willing to admit that much may be lacking in my understanding of it, but if each person was made for a specific purpose, some reason that each one has to be here that belongs only to that one and no other, then I'm lost. There are things I have wanted to do in life. There are things I have wanted, which have been unattainable to me, or if they were attainable, then I had no clue as to how I might do so. Why must things in life be so complicated. Sometimes I just wish I were given a dream. Joseph had a dream, and though it didn't tell him where to go or what to do, it at least assured for him that he was somebody. But I get overwhelmed by all the people that are in the world, each with their own perspective, their own mind and their own "destiny". Perhaps. But I look around sometimes and see tons of people that I don't even know, who have never heard of me and have no connection to me, and they have things that are important to them, and they have their own stories to tell, and all of it together pales in comparison to the history of the world. I just seem so small and insignificant. Not that I need to be significant in the spectrum of all humanity and its history. But I at least need to feel that I have a certain place and purpose. Some reason that on August 20, 1980, my mother gave birth to me instead of some other guy (or girl). Perhaps there is no real purpose, just a bunch of people around, who just have to live life, and together try to fulfill the general purpose of humankind. I'd be willing to accept that, too, but that doesn't always sit right with me either. (real philosopher, right? I know "sit right with me" isn't exactly a logical epistemology). But suppose I have a certain purpose, I know there are some in the world who would tell me that deep down I know what it is, and it's just a matter of committing to it.
The other problem is the whole matter of achieving said destiny. Do I let life carry me along and just give in to whatever wind blows my way? Do I go with my feelings? My gut? Do I act when something "sit's right" with me? Do I work hard toward something I've thought long and hard about? Or do I just live life the way I'm supposed to live it, and expect that I'll end up in the right place and be the right person. I don't know. Maybe this is all a bunch of nonsense. Maybe I should just say, "screw it," and get on with my life. But if that means getting on with dissatisfaction, then I'd rather search for something else. Okay. Whatever the case, life goes on.