Thursday, May 27, 2004

I am sometimes amazed at the power of thoughts. Whether they be true or false, good or bad, thoughts that a person think truly affect how they feel, what they do, and ultimately, who they are. I've often wondered how much all of those factors affect each other. Do my feelings determine what I'm thinking or do my thoughts determine how I feel. A little bit of both sometimes. But there are some times that I've experienced a strain of thought, in which I feel very tense, edgy, and basically just moody, but then my strain of thought leads to one little thought that just changes everything. It's not usually anything profound or amazing, as if I've solved any of the mysteries of the universe. But I have those light moments of clarity. Those few times when I feel the there is a rightness to the way things are and to where I'm going. For a few moments, apparently because of a little thought, usually a positive one, my feelings aren't just a challenge to me, something I need to control.
I don't know, maybe I'm just screwed up. But I've never been one to freely give in to my emotions. I used to cry when I was a kid and I was angry. I was almost incapable of doing violence, and when I wanted to really badly, I'd cry. Otherwise, if I gave in to my anger and lashed out, I'd cry afterwards because of my weakness in giving in to my emotions. I don't know where I learned that. If it was just because of my moral upbringing, or if somewhere along the line someone told me it was wrong to be angry, or if it was just a natural thing. Since I've been serving at a restaurant, it's become harder and harder to control things like anger. But again, there is real power in thoughts. If I take a moment, not just to suppress my feelings, but just to set them aside for a moment while I change the way I think, then in that moment everything can change. It's a crazy thing, and I find it fascinating. I always like to understand how people work, and it always seems to be unfathomable. Some people don't think things through and act on instinct, and they're often called stupid. Others shut off their emotions and relate to people through intellect, and they're often called cold. Are "stupid" people actually unable to use their brains to figure things out, or are they just unpracticed? Are "cold" people really unable to relate to people on an emotional and personal level, or are they just unpracticed? I have a hard time letting go. Other people have a hard time controling themselves. It all just seems so utterly crazy to me. Either that or it's just late and I'm going to get up tomorrow and look at my blog and wonder why I went on forever about this one little meaningless thing.

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