Friday, August 18, 2006

Being back

It's really cool, how I feel this drive, now that I'm back, to keep busy and do something with myself. I know it's only been two days back at home, but I've already demolished an old and built a new small retaining wall in my parents' back yard. And I enjoyed doing it. The physical rigor felt good. And in general, I don't find myself interested in television or stupid stuff that used to capture my attention. I still enjoy poker, and I don't intend to give that up, and I don't actually consider it stupid or a waste of time, though others might. But really, other than the usual tiredness early in the evening, I've had a lot of energy and some cool kind of drive to keep doing things that are useful and helpful and productive. I've always wanted this and tried to discipline myself to live like this, but I haven't really experienced the inner fire like this. I hope it lasts, because I'm all too familiar with short-lived kicks, where I'm excited about something for a week or two and then it fades. But I find that the optimism I've developed about my life and future and everything has impacted more than my peace of mind. Being more excited about life, I find myself more excited about activities and more open to opportunities.

I still feel the need to pray often, as I did when I was in Africa. Last night it hit me hard again. I find myself in distress and my mind in turmoil, when I haven't taken enough time to pray. So last night, before going to bed, I had to kneel and seek God some more, first pleading with him for his peace and his presence, and then putting my trust in him, though I did not yet feel either. When I woke this morning I did feel very much at peace. I know people could easily write this off as a result of sleeping habits in general, but I have come to believe or understand much better that I am completely reliant on God for my peace of mind and for my future and my present and for any blessing I may experience in this world. This attitude I have not found easy to maintain, but constant prayer really helps. And not the flippant kind of prayer that takes for granted everything God does for us or the selfish kind of prayer that is only interested in ones own wants or needs, but a humble kind of prayer that puts oneself at the total mercy of the Creator, that accedes to his interests over the self's and does not fret over ones own problems, but puts humble trust in the one watching over us. I think a lot of people don't really understand how powerful a thing like prayer is. For many it's just something you do because we're supposed to. For others, they recognize in concept that God answers prayers and so it is important to pray, but to really find yourself in close communion with God himself and to be changed and renewed and made different from what you were and to find God's presence and rid yourself of all your worries and put your trust in God and go to him with everything that distresses you, it is truly powerful. The reality of it is beyond what I used to imagine, even though I've always strongly believed in prayer.

Anyway, that's how things are right now. I'm enjoyiing being back, though I still have not seen many people. That's partly my fault, because I haven't called many people and tried to make contact with the outside world. But I'm going to play poker tonight, and I'll see many of my friends at Solomon's porch very soon. Yippie. I've missed Solomon's Porch a lot. So, right. That's all for now. More to come, and then more and more, and hopefully much more after that. I don't want to slow down or let up.

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