I have, a couple of times, mentioned that I have a journal and that there are things I want to write on here from it, but I have not had it with me. But today I brought it, so I'll share an excerpt that I think to be quite candid and perhaps beneficial to some. Maybe.
I need to record the prayer that has come to my mind several times. The rendering of it might not capture the profundity I feel of it in my mind, for it is not yet put into eloquent speech, nor do I make promises of accomplishing such. But as I have sought the Lord, I have had a wonderful feeling of freedom, not in the typical sense of enthusiasm like I am soaring above the earth on mighty wings, but merely a sense of having let go of all, of everything that had a hold on me. The fear of those things coming back to claim me notwithstanding, I write this prayer:
YHWH, my God,
I come before you, with no claim or merit of my own, with no sense of entitlement or of discontented bitterness. I come before you humbly for your blessing. And though I know you are loving, merciful, and faithful, I do concede that I have no just claim to such love, mercy and faithfulness. But I come before you with this in mind:
that if you forsake me, I will be forsook.
If you leave me, I will be left.
If you disappoint me, I will have no recourse;
I will be utterly wasted and left alone,
because I have no other hope. I have nothing else, no other Rock, no alternative, no replacement for my hope and trust in you.
So whether you favor me with your blessing or not, I put my trust in you. Whether you deign to lead me or not, I look to you, and I know that only with your guidance will I be led. Only with your blessing will I be blessed. Only with your favor will I be fortunate. Only with your love will I know the love I need and want and seek with all my heart. In you I put my trust; in you is all my hope, and nothing else. Every good thing comes from you, and no good thing will I ever have, but that you provide it for me. In you I trust, YHWH, my God. Amen.