Monday, May 15, 2006

memoirs... kinda

I found a poem that I wrote a few years ago, sometime while I was at Solomon's Porch. I wanted to post it on here, both because it shows in some way where I was at at the time, and it's a testament to how far I've come.

I thought me honest. My odd compunction to hide from all my darkness, yet keep myself from confidence in the dawn

I thought me honest, but now I cannot tell if all my gloom is just a sham and all my hope is just a lie, a bitter stubbornness, to cling to dreams that have died and with nostalgia dwell in yesterday's smile.

Deny, I think, is just the word. Deny and fool the world that is my mind. Deny and fail to best the watching world.

But who will grasp my wretching spirit, when reality, unforeseen and unprepared, descends upon me?

Who will hold my trembling hand, when blackness covers what I thought was my future?

Alone will I be, and alone will I endure, 'til maybe will the morning shine.

I was looking through old things, finding stuff I needed to throw away, before I move and put a bunch of my stuff in storage (or in some space in an empty house/whatever). I actually found a letter from a girl that I was crazy about for a couple of years during college, and all the memories flooded back to me, and all the feelings I felt and all the ways I tormented myself. And I looked at some of my writings, my journals about spiritual things, from way back in high school, and it hit me heavily what a different person I am today. How time has had its ravages on my dreams and stolen my faith in the future. But at the same time, I feel I am in a better place. I am poised to grapple with destiny and become my true self, and my faith in our loving God is no less pure or true. But I also realized that a lot of the questions I was asking at the time, I am still asking today. How do I know what God is saying to me? How can I follow his spirit? What does he want me to do with my life, with myself? These questions continually haunt me. But today, though I do not believe I have the answers, I do believe I have what it takes. And I feel a greater sense of responsibility for my future, encouraged by a greater sense of power.

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