Wednesday, September 07, 2005
I've been thinking about my "worship leading" responsibility, in terms of connecting with the congregation, speaking or sharing something or welcoming them. I've found that I don't know how to communicate my life or my faith to other Christians as I used to. Well, maybe I never really did, so much. But I try to think of stories to tell, books I've read, verses that have stuck out, media that has grabbed my attention in a profound way. I don't know what it is, but the things that actually make me grow into a mature and loving follower of Jesus are rarely things that can be communicated in little stories or snipets or little lines that have affected me. How can I share how my outlook has changed on things, when I can barely wrap it up for myself in anything resembling neat and proper terms. There seems to come a point when you stop building up and you have to investigate the whole building to see that it is stable. How can I communicate my troubled feelings of being off-balance or my hope and faith in the strength of God to sustain me and to reallign my support structures correctly? How can I say anything without explaining my life for 10 minutes every time. And when I think about it, I don't even want to boil things down into little helpful snipets. I want to connect with someone one on one and tell them my life story. I just can't imagine that little things I might say in 30 seconds or less can form any true connection or really do any great good. How can I communicate that way? It just seems beyond my abilities. It seems beyond my aspirations. Perhaps not so much beyond as... outside. Howcan I share my personal life? The things I talk about one on one with people take me half an hour to get across effectively. To boil things down just becomes a matter of telling people I've been thinking or feeling a certain way and that God is somehow a part of that. What do I do with that? I will not think of anything as impossible. I must connect with people of this congregation. And I can. Perhaps there is a new way. Perhaps there is something else. Maybe I should just start talking. But I don't really always know if people will follow what I'm saying. I don't always gain points of insight fr0m situations that can really be helpful to people. I just tend to live life. I just... I just... I don't know what I do. Do I have to learn small talk? Do I have to learn about... I don't know. I just feel a little lost and confused.