Working off of my last post, I've been thinking about what I said about disillusionment. It's just something I feel the need to mull over, because I often find myself wishing and sometimes praying for others to experience it. I guess I do this because my seasons of disillusionment have led to the best times of my life, over and above my few moments of, say, enlightenment or breakthrough. I'm not sure why that is, exactly, but I find that the pain and confusion are like the pangs of birth. Whenever there is a new life blooming, there seems to be groaning to usher it in.
So I find myself wondering, is this the way of life? Is this just how it works? Do we have to dismantle everything in order to lay a new foundation? Primarily, is there another way? Can we experience elation through enlightenment, or must we first enter into sorrow?
In the scriptures there are a few illustrations of what I'm talking about: "Weeping may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning," that kind of thing. But I also remember that according to the creation/fall story, women have childbearing pain because of the fall. It's not something that is part of the original plan; it's a result of our fallen nature. Maybe this is precisely the point of this story: that were we to be alligned with the holiness and goodness of God, then life would spring forth without pain, but because we cling to our own pride and live in selfishness and sin, we need to go through pain in the dismantling process, tearing apart the structure that we have built up through our fallen nature, in order to finally feel the freedom and vitality of the life of God growing in us.
Those are my thoughts.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
missionaries
We finally got visited today. Cassie was at work, so I had to entertain our first Mormon missionaries. I let them in to talk for a bit. I started off by telling my own story, and then they did their spiel. It was odd. I don't know who more uncomfortable, me or them. I didn't challenge them on all the weird ideas that their church has, because I couldn't even get them to tell me what they were. All they wanted to talk about was the authority of the prophet and the true church, and if I would only pray about it then the holy ghost would confirm that it was true. So I stuck to that issue, and tried to explain to them that the whole hierarchy thing goes against the teachings of jesus and his apostles, because we all have access to god through the holy spirit. I asked them several times how their doctrines differed from hours, what they believed that wasn't already in the bible, but other than the authority of their prophet, they either didn't know or didn't want to tell me. So to wrap things up, I prayed for them before they left.
I feel a little sorry for those guys. They're so young, and it seems like they've been manipulated and indoctrinated. I can only hope that disillusionment will come soon and lead them to true life. If all they have to go on is the feeling they had when they prayed about whether their church is true or not, then either disillusionment will come or their passion will fade. If their passion merely fades, they'll become stuck in a morass of mediocrity. If they are disillusioned, they will be forced to come to grips with everything that bothers them.
These two guys in particular didn't seem all that knowledgable about their faith. They certainly didn't know the bible well, other than a couple of key verses (strangely similar to the ones Roman Catholics use to support their own heirarchy ideas). And they didn't reveal anything about the doctrines of their church. From what I've heard about those, I'm not even sure these guys would know what they are. Either that, or they've been instructed to stick to the message and not get into anything too controversial.
One thing that bothered me was their smugness. It wasn't like they acted incredibly superior, but they were so convinced of their own rightness, that there was little interest in what I had to say. I reminded me of many christians I've known. Anyway, that was my experience. It wasn't all that special, but I hope I had some kind of effect on those guys. I'd hate to think they came in here for nothing.
I feel a little sorry for those guys. They're so young, and it seems like they've been manipulated and indoctrinated. I can only hope that disillusionment will come soon and lead them to true life. If all they have to go on is the feeling they had when they prayed about whether their church is true or not, then either disillusionment will come or their passion will fade. If their passion merely fades, they'll become stuck in a morass of mediocrity. If they are disillusioned, they will be forced to come to grips with everything that bothers them.
These two guys in particular didn't seem all that knowledgable about their faith. They certainly didn't know the bible well, other than a couple of key verses (strangely similar to the ones Roman Catholics use to support their own heirarchy ideas). And they didn't reveal anything about the doctrines of their church. From what I've heard about those, I'm not even sure these guys would know what they are. Either that, or they've been instructed to stick to the message and not get into anything too controversial.
One thing that bothered me was their smugness. It wasn't like they acted incredibly superior, but they were so convinced of their own rightness, that there was little interest in what I had to say. I reminded me of many christians I've known. Anyway, that was my experience. It wasn't all that special, but I hope I had some kind of effect on those guys. I'd hate to think they came in here for nothing.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Why I don't write.
I get asked why I haven't written anything in a while, and I guess a significant reason is that, though I have plenty of thoughts, many of them are entirely too personal to be shared with the outside world. I think a lot of my personal difficulties, about trying to become a better person in this world, about trying to get it right, if there even is such a thing. Getting married changes things a little. A lot of what goes on between me and my wife, whether good or bad, is just that: between us. I am proud to say that we work out our differences with a good amount of communication, and we are very happy in our lives together.
Another reason I do not always write, is because I do not want to gripe. When I first started this blog, as you might see if you check the early archives, there were several moments where I wrote about my complaints, sometimes in a funny way, but not really without at least a trace of sincerity. Since that time, as you'll find in some later blogs, I have tried to live with a more positive thought life, with varying degrees of success. So looking at the bright side has been an important part of what I'm trying to do with myself, and that can hardly include blabbing about all my latest angst-ridden endeavors, nor can I go on and on about the discontent I may feel about my current job or what-not. I suppose I could do so, if I spun it as a discussion of my attempts to think positive, but that just seems like a loophole, an excuse to avoid the extra work of actually purging my mind of such things.
Now that I've got that out of the way, let me talk about my job. I'm waiting tables again, or still, or however you want to style it. I've been at Chili's now for a little over a year. My goal is to be done at the end of this year, by doing music full-time. Sometimes I'm plagued with fears that I am just not good enough at the business end of all this: selling myself and making contacts and all that. Other times I'm just frustrated about how long it takes to get things going, and I start wondering if it's my fault, like I shoudl be trying harder or doing something more. I am blessed with incredible assistance already in getting this going, for which I am grateful. But I cannot seem to help but get restless, which makes me irritable, which makes it difficult to maintain a healthy peace of mind and just exacerbates the whole situation.
So I've been trying to think of this as the springtime of my life. On the one hand that means that it's a new and different era, and basically has been since I stepped aboard that plane to Africa. And so I expect to do away with the pattern of winter, a stagnant, barren time, a time for storing up what's truly important and waiting for the newness to come. Now that newness is here, and it's a time for planting, for nourishing, for frolicking, for digging deep furrows in the soil. I should be active, roiling with possibilities and opportunities. At the same time, it often means more waiting. Watching the seeds grow into plants, slowly, and saving the benefits for a brighter future. Then I start to wonder, is this really a helpful analogy? Isn't my life my own to lead? Don't opportunities just come and go, and some people just happen to be there to take them? Doesn't it all just come down to the fact that I need to focus?
So I've worked myself into a very difficult emotional state, and at the moment I can really only ask for your prayers, because for very little reason at all, I am very discouraged.
Another reason I do not always write, is because I do not want to gripe. When I first started this blog, as you might see if you check the early archives, there were several moments where I wrote about my complaints, sometimes in a funny way, but not really without at least a trace of sincerity. Since that time, as you'll find in some later blogs, I have tried to live with a more positive thought life, with varying degrees of success. So looking at the bright side has been an important part of what I'm trying to do with myself, and that can hardly include blabbing about all my latest angst-ridden endeavors, nor can I go on and on about the discontent I may feel about my current job or what-not. I suppose I could do so, if I spun it as a discussion of my attempts to think positive, but that just seems like a loophole, an excuse to avoid the extra work of actually purging my mind of such things.
Now that I've got that out of the way, let me talk about my job. I'm waiting tables again, or still, or however you want to style it. I've been at Chili's now for a little over a year. My goal is to be done at the end of this year, by doing music full-time. Sometimes I'm plagued with fears that I am just not good enough at the business end of all this: selling myself and making contacts and all that. Other times I'm just frustrated about how long it takes to get things going, and I start wondering if it's my fault, like I shoudl be trying harder or doing something more. I am blessed with incredible assistance already in getting this going, for which I am grateful. But I cannot seem to help but get restless, which makes me irritable, which makes it difficult to maintain a healthy peace of mind and just exacerbates the whole situation.
So I've been trying to think of this as the springtime of my life. On the one hand that means that it's a new and different era, and basically has been since I stepped aboard that plane to Africa. And so I expect to do away with the pattern of winter, a stagnant, barren time, a time for storing up what's truly important and waiting for the newness to come. Now that newness is here, and it's a time for planting, for nourishing, for frolicking, for digging deep furrows in the soil. I should be active, roiling with possibilities and opportunities. At the same time, it often means more waiting. Watching the seeds grow into plants, slowly, and saving the benefits for a brighter future. Then I start to wonder, is this really a helpful analogy? Isn't my life my own to lead? Don't opportunities just come and go, and some people just happen to be there to take them? Doesn't it all just come down to the fact that I need to focus?
So I've worked myself into a very difficult emotional state, and at the moment I can really only ask for your prayers, because for very little reason at all, I am very discouraged.
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