Wednesday, December 21, 2005

I'll show them.

It's really strange, because in the past few weeks I think I've been more emotional than I have been in years. And I really don't know why. I mean, I know what things I have been emotional about, but they're not exactly events or situations that I've never experienced before. Things like disappointment, frustration, and difficulty tend to be basic run of the mill things in life, and I have usually taken them in stride and did my best to continually move on. Whether I've done a good job on that in the past or whether I am now is beside the point. It just seems like I feel all the emotional whirlwind much more acutely than normal, and I have no explanation for why that is. I wonder if I really was cutting myself off from my emotions before. And then I wonder if I did so with good purpose. I know people who are basically bipolar. Every good thing is extremely good and every bad thing is extremely bad. Their emotions tend to rule their lives and their thoughts and patterns of existence. It's definitely not the kind of mentality I'm going for. How can I let emotions be the integral part of my life that it is without simply giving in to any emotion that settles itself on my mind.

For that matter, how can I be the thinking man that I want to be, if every fanciful notion that comes my way becomes a centerpoint of truth for my perspective and worldview, at least until I reject it. I want to mend the reality of my daily existence into something positive and healthy and all-around beneficial to everyone and everything. But I sometimes feel like a slave to my patterns of thought, and even though I break through sometimes and feel the sweetness of existence like a soft breeze, it seems that only one stray thought can grab hold of my entire being and enslave me again into whatever stupid mindset I'm a slave to.

For some reason I relate what I'm talking about to the disciples' question to Jesus about how many times they should forgive their brother. seven times? seventy x seven? I know it really isn't the same question. But the idea of forgiving people is similar to what I'm talking about. Someone does something wrong against you, you live in bitterness and anger until you decide to forgive that person. For a sweet moment of freedom, you have let go of that bitterness and forgiven the person who has done you wrong. Then a day, an hour, a minute or a moment later, and one stray thought, one idle reflection brings it all back. All the pain and bitterness against that person. And so you have to forgive again. And again. And again and again. Until you no longer think of those things, no longer dwell on the injustice or the stupidity or the indecency.

It's the same, I think with many other situations in life. One deals with disappointment, then lets go of all the expectations and dreams and hopes that went along with that disappointment and feels that sweet moment of freedom. Even years later, one stray thought about what could have been brings back all those dispairing feelings.

The question for me, then, is why do some of us have to fight so hard to maintain a bare minimum of that sweet feeling of freedom? It just doesn't even seem like the sides are even. You've got to have a billion positive thoughts just to block one negative one. It's like when people said that if you insult somebody you should compliment them seven times to make up for it. I just don't see why the negative should be so powerful, while the positive should take such work. I've heard it isn't that way for some people. That's really not fair either.

Despite all, I'm trying, and I'll get through it all. I'll show them.

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