Monday, April 18, 2005

pattern of discontent

Sometimes it seems like I only take grand initiative in the important things in life when I'm feeling desperate. Once I do a few things to appease myself, I seem to slip into complacency again, only to grow restless and afraid some time later and do a few more things to appease my discontent. Is there a surefire way to break this pattern? I don't really know. I just look at myself right now and realize that I am not the self-motivated, independent, strong-willed man that I would like to be. Is that something I can really change about myself? Is it something I really want to change? How can I just be myself and still be okay with my life? Or maybe I'm never supposed to be okay with my life. I dont' know. It's just that sometimes I think of the future and don't see how it could possibly turn out right. I don't see how I could possible live an extraordinary life, when in the grand scheme of things, I'm not all that extraordinary a person and I don't have all that extraordinary a lifestyle. I might be different from a lot of people, but I haven't really risen above the crowd all that often. And when I have, it was rarely from taking my own initiative. But now I'm kind of on my own. I often don't know what I'm doing with my life. And sometimes I look forward to when my ten years are up and I leave everything behind and do something crazy with my life.

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