Monday, February 21, 2005
It seems like I constantly go back and forth between different ways of thinking. This is something I find very fascinating as well as very discouraging. Not because I do not remain consistent in my perspective - I would hope that it would be changing and becoming better throughout my life - but that I seem to have no control in the matter. On one day I speak strong enough to myself to avoid bouts of anger or to rein in my waywardness. But other days, I find no such strength. On some days I can put a smile on my face through a fresh perspective, but others I cannot overcome the set of my thinking or my mood, in order to wipe away all my surliness. How is it that this is so? Should I not become more adept as time goes on at controlling both my perspective and my behavior? Have I somehow, at some point, thrown myself at the mercy of life's experiences and abandoned discipline? But I wake in the morning, and sometimes the voice that used to say that I need to do this or that, no longer says such things. Was that my voice, which simply went away with the changes time made of myself? Or was it a spirit's voice of conscience, abandoning me to let me drift in the waves of perspective. I do not mind changing perspecive. It only bothers me that there seems to be no levels. I have not experienced greater levels of perspective and lesser. I simply shift back and forth in the way I think and who I am and how I act. Is this the evidence of an unstable mind? Or is it simply evidence of a man not satisfied with himself or with the world?