The Plan

When we were young, the church pounded into us the idea that God had a plan for us. If the verse, Jeremiah 29:11, doesn't sound familiar to someone who grew up in the church, then you must have been sleeping. I remember that at the risk of being naive and the further, more likely, risk of fitting a cliche, I took that idea to heart. I believed with all my heart that God was in my life and guiding my steps, guiding me toward some place and time when I would be blessed and be a blessing to others. I made decisions not based on the idea of securing my future, making money, or becoming successful by the world's standards - instead I prayed and tried to discern God's voice and guidance, and this was behind most of my important decisions. I went to college and chose my degree based on what I thought it was that God wanted. I chose to go back to Minnesota after school because I thought it was the right thing.

Somewhere along the line I seem to have lost that feeling. At times I've felt like God was helping me out and guiding me to the right choices (joining the community at solomon's porch, traveling to africa, and marrying my wife, to name a few). But I lost the feeling, the conviction, that God had any sort of plan, just some idea of what was right and good, not really a desire for me to do a particular thing.

In some ways, I felt that this was good. I focused more on the kind of person i was supposed to be than on the constant worry about whether God really wants me to go out to denny's tonight, or if i was supposed to stay in, and wondering either way whether I might be missing something important that God wanted me to experience. It seemed freeing to me to devote my day-to-day life to God without having to ask what his will was every five minutes, and besides, I have had numerous good experiences (see above-mentioned list of notable experiences + many more good things).

But there is a sort of emptiness in my activities sometimes, and it comes out most when I face difficulty - my struggles seem more raw and bitter, and my self-recriminations feel pointless and hollow. I've looked back at my life more and more in the past several years, and there are things that I miss about when I was a youth and things that I scorn. There are things I wish I had done differently, attitudes I wish I had had sooner, chances I wish I had taken, but there are also choices I'm proud to have made, memories that make me smile, and lessons I cherish. Meanwhile, looking back on my struggles, I have begun to recall more and more that feeling, that conviction, that no matter how hard things were, no matter how lonely or disappointed or bitter I felt, God had a plan, and things happened in my life for a reason. That conviction was the foundation of my hope. It was the fuel for my tenacity, the driving force of all my passion. Today, when I struggle, that tenacity seems to have faded, that passion spent, and I begin to realize that it is because I do not know if God really has "a plan" for me.

I think of my own son, how I want what is best for him, and I want him to experience every good thing, and how I hate to hear him cry. I have no plan for his life. I have no particular destination in mind, other than that he lives out his God-given dreams and talents, But truly, if I knew what would please him most and provide him with the deepest satisfaction, I would do all in my power to guide him to it. And when he struggles in life, I can only pray that he can find in him the ability to hope, with the conviction that God has a plan. So I've started thinking I want that feeling back. I want that conviction back in my life. I have tried to tell myself, in times of disappointment, that there was a reason, that God could make a new way for me, but it felt bleak and cold inside.

I don't rightly know how to change my thoughts on this, but I am convinced that I must, for the sake of my own sanity and for my family's happiness.

And he who has not, even what he has will be taken from him

They used to tell me that I would only meet the right girl when I wasn't looking for her. I always said that was stupid and cliche, not to mention incredibly frustrating. When I went to Africa, people said I'd meet someone and end up married. I replied that that was ridiculous and there was no way I would end up fitting that stereotype. When I met Cassie, I told myself that it was nothing. I said that nothing serious was happening - it was just the excitement and freedom of being overseas in a strange place with new people. As time progressed, of course, I began to see things differently, but the point is, it came when I wasn't looking, when I wasn't worrying or fretting about anything happening.

So I've been wondering if that's just the way things are in all of life. It seems we don't get something until we are content with what we have already. Those who miss out are plagued with the desire for the unattainable. Maybe this is what Jesus was talking about, when he said that those who have will be given more, and those who do not have, even what they have will be taken from them. It's a weird comment, and not a lot of preachers will dwell on it. I believe he was talking more about responsibilities and (the parable of the talents), but if you think about it, he's really talking about what we're doing with what we've already been given. If we take what we've been given and do something with it, then we receive more. When we sit on what we've been given, hide it, keep it safe and secret, then we've wasted our gifts. How many of us spend our lives wishing for things we don't have, all the while burying our gifts and talents. Maybe it really is that simple.

So I've been listening to a lot of ideas recently about being thankful for what you have, about living in the present, savoring the moment, making the most of opportunities, etc. And basically, I'm thinking that we not only have a the opportunity to live life to the full with what we have, but we have an obligation to make the most of all that we've been given, whether that's ten talents or just one. Otherwise, we can expect to lose even the little that we've been given. I don't know if that applies to everything: money, career, personal fulfillment, spiritual sanctity, etc, but it seems like it does. It seems like that's the way it works with all facets of life.

We tend to take Jesus words and only apply them to so-called "spiritual" issues, but I think we miss that there is a pattern in life that applies to everything, something that ties spiritual and temporal together. The scriptures say to do ALL things as unto the Lord. It says to receive all things with thanksgiving. In the meantime, we should seek first the kingdom of heaven and store up for ourselves treasure in heaven. But let us not forget to live life now.

Thoughts from Taoism

"Today, one is considered productive to the extent that she generates monetary profit for herself or others. In the determination of her social standing, her intelligence, innate talents, and service to others are secondary to her earning capacity. In practice, this means that individuals choose their work on the basis of what will pay rather than on what will give them the most enjoyment and provide the greatest service to others. Again, the Taoists would not see this as productive, for it limits human happiness and leaves many needed things undone, while we scurry about doing things of little real value."

"New gadgetry that comes at the expense of peace of mind or human relationships cannot be considered progress."

"In the later part of the nineteenth century, interest in this problem [of how to produce sufficient goods to supply people's basic needs] began to fade as a second problem came to dominate the thinking of the economists: How to overcome the problem of overproduction, or alternatively stated, How to increase consumption to insure sustained demand for ever-increasing production? The answer lay in tapping into what was conceived of as an endless resource - the human emotion of greed."

"'Constant change... through the entire gamut of material, color, design is essential to the prosperity alike of producers and distributors.'
It is our job to make women unhappy with what they have. --B. Earl Puckett, former head of Allied Stores Corporation."