Adept at avoiding the solution

I seem adept at making excuses for myself. There may be a thing I want to do and should do, but I seem to find an excuse to do something else. How far can I justify my follies. But how can I really do that which I am 'meant to do' if I really cannot say with certainty what that is? Ah, but I think I do know. I was thinking about my purpose, and I believe that I am meant to show people the wonder of God. I don't know what that means completely, and then again I'm stuck with not really knowing what I'm supposed to do with my time. I guess I'm just really discontented, and I seem to be adept at avoiding the solution.

Perspective

It seems like I constantly go back and forth between different ways of thinking. This is something I find very fascinating as well as very discouraging. Not because I do not remain consistent in my perspective - I would hope that it would be changing and becoming better throughout my life - but that I seem to have no control in the matter. On one day I speak strong enough to myself to avoid bouts of anger or to rein in my waywardness. But other days, I find no such strength. On some days I can put a smile on my face through a fresh perspective, but others I cannot overcome the set of my thinking or my mood, in order to wipe away all my surliness. How is it that this is so? Should I not become more adept as time goes on at controlling both my perspective and my behavior? Have I somehow, at some point, thrown myself at the mercy of life's experiences and abandoned discipline? But I wake in the morning, and sometimes the voice that used to say that I need to do this or that, no longer says such things. Was that my voice, which simply went away with the changes time made of myself? Or was it a spirit's voice of conscience, abandoning me to let me drift in the waves of perspective. I do not mind changing perspecive. It only bothers me that there seems to be no levels. I have not experienced greater levels of perspective and lesser. I simply shift back and forth in the way I think and who I am and how I act. Is this the evidence of an unstable mind? Or is it simply evidence of a man not satisfied with himself or with the world?

What if everything you did mattered?

Many people have heard the question asked, what would Jesus do? It's become so familiar that to many it is just a cliche. I cannot say why with certainty, but I have never been able to let this phrase sink into my life. Maybe it's because I don't really know what Jesus would do. Maybe because what Jesus would do isn't exactly what I should do. Just because he didn't rebel against the government, doesn't mean I shouldn't. Because that wasn't his calling. (I'm not thinking of rebelling against the government, it just seemed a viable option for example, because of biblical examples where God commanded people to rise up against a certain ruler). But I was thinking the other night, as it shows in my last blog about purpose. Discontent. And the question that's been popping up in my mind ever since and hasn't left me alone is this: What if everything I did actually mattered? Everything. What if it mattered, whether I slept in or not. What if it mattered whether I read a book or watched tv. The thing is, it is so easy to have such a cavalier attitude toward such things. Well, what does it matter if I do such-and-such a thing for a little bit? Who cares, right? But the question is, what if it really did matter? What if it mattered, what I thought about the guy on the road that just cut me off. If it mattered, then I'd have to really do something about it. Whoa. If I think that way, I can't be lazy. Because every moment of every day and every thought and every action becomes important. That doesn't mean I've become good at thinking that way, but it comes to my mind oftentimes and I stop and think about what I'm doing/thinking/saying. I don't know why this hits me so much more than "what would Jesus do", but it does, and I hope to be able to live up to it.